The Stages of Grief and Why They Aren't Linear

The five stages of grief describe denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but they are not a linear roadmap that everyone follows. Grief can shift, overlap, recur, or look completely different depending on the person, the relationship, the loss, culture, available support, and what else is happening in life.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• The five-stage model began with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 observations of people facing terminal illness, rather than a universal sequence for bereaved people.

• You may experience some, all, or none of the five stages, and feelings can recur or overlap without meaning you are grieving incorrectly.

• The type of loss, your relationship to what was lost, culture, circumstances, and support systems can all shape how grief appears.

• There is no fixed timetable for grief; support can be helpful whenever the experience is disrupting daily life or feels too heavy to carry alone.

Where Did the Five Stages of Grief Model Come From?

The five stages of grief are a historical framework associated with psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (peer-reviewed review). In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, she described patterns she observed while speaking with people who were facing terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The model was later widely applied to bereavement and other losses.

That history matters because the stages were not developed as a scientifically validated checklist for every person after a death. The American Psychological Association describes the model as hypothetical and nonlinear, and contemporary grief research cautions against treating it as a required sequence. The stages can still give some people language for experiences that feel difficult to name, as long as they remain possibilities rather than milestones.

The five familiar terms are usually described this way:

• Denial: shock, disbelief, numbness, or difficulty accepting the reality of a loss.

• Anger: frustration, blame, protest, irritability, or a sense that the loss is deeply unfair.

• Bargaining: thoughts about what might have prevented the loss, including repeated “if only” or “what if” questions.

• Depression: sadness, withdrawal, heaviness, or reduced interest. In the stage model, this word describes a grief response and does not automatically mean major depressive disorder.

• Acceptance: recognizing the reality of the loss and beginning to adapt. Acceptance does not require approval, relief, or the absence of pain.

The stages can be used as descriptive language. They should not be used as a test of whether you are grieving correctly.

Are the Five Stages of Grief Linear?

No. The five stages of grief do not reliably unfold in a linear sequence, and many people do not experience every stage (APA). A person may feel calm one day, angry the next, and unexpectedly overwhelmed weeks later. Several feelings can also exist at the same time.

Grief often comes in waves (NCI). Anniversaries, family events, familiar places, songs, practical decisions, or a new life transition can make the loss feel close again. A return of painful feelings after a steadier period can occur in grief and does not necessarily mean that previous adjustment has been lost.

Contemporary models often describe grieving as movement between attending to the loss and rebuilding daily life (Dual Process Model review). You may spend time remembering, crying, or making meaning, then turn toward work, relationships, rest, or practical tasks. Both directions can be part of adapting.

How Different Types of Loss Shape the Way Grief Shows Up

Different losses create different grief experiences because the meaning, circumstances, and consequences of each loss are different. Death is one source of grief, and people may also grieve the end of a relationship, pregnancy loss, changes in health or ability, infertility, the loss of a job or home, migration, estrangement, the death of a pet, or a future they expected to have (NHS).

A sudden or traumatic death can be associated with shock, fear, intrusive images, or unanswered questions, although reactions vary and research on whether unexpected death predicts more difficult grief is mixed (NCI). A long illness can involve anticipatory grief before the death (NCI). Afterward, some people may experience sadness, guilt, exhaustion, relief, or several reactions together. The end of a relationship can involve grief and major changes to daily life, identity, routines, and future plans.

Some losses receive limited recognition from others. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief, meaning grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. When others minimize a loss, the grieving person may have fewer opportunities to talk, mourn, or ask for help. Culture, faith, family expectations, previous losses, and available support also influence how grief is expressed (NCI).

Coping With Loss When Your Experience Doesn't Match the Stages

When your grief does not match the stages, the most helpful starting point is to pay attention to your actual experience rather than measuring it against a model. Your reactions may be intense, quiet, delayed, physical, practical, relational, or difficult to name. They still deserve care.

1. Identify what is present today. A specific description, such as loneliness, anger, numbness, guilt, relief, fear, or exhaustion, may be more useful than deciding which stage you are in.

2. Make room for movement. Some days may centre on loss, while other days involve ordinary responsibilities or moments of enjoyment. Both can belong in grief.

3. Choose mourning practices that suit you. Talking, writing, prayer, cultural rituals, visiting a meaningful place, creating art, sharing stories, or keeping a private remembrance can help express what the loss means.

4. Protect basic routines where possible. Regular meals, sleep routines, movement, and manageable daily tasks can provide structure when concentration and energy are uneven.

5. Let support be specific. You might ask someone to listen without giving advice, help with a practical task, join you on a difficult date, or check in regularly.

If you would like a broader space to understand emotions, patterns, and coping, individual therapy at Tri Lotus Psychotherapy can be personalized to the loss and the life you are living alongside it.

When Grief Counselling Can Support You as You Navigate Mourning

Grief counselling can offer a private, supportive space to process a loss; you do not need to wait for a certain stage or amount of time before asking for support (APA). Therapy may be especially helpful when grief is making work, school, parenting, sleep, relationships, or basic routines difficult, or when isolation, guilt, anxiety, low mood, or traumatic memories are becoming harder to manage.

A therapist may help you understand your reactions, identify what the loss has changed, prepare for anniversaries or difficult conversations, strengthen coping, and make space for memory and meaning (NCI). The purpose is not to erase a bond or push you toward acceptance on a schedule. The work is shaped by what you need and what the loss means in your life.

Tri Lotus offers grief counselling services in Calgary and online across Alberta. You can also meet the Tri Lotus therapy team to review areas of focus, professional credentials, and therapy formats before deciding who may be the right fit.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Stages of Grief

Your Grief Does Not Need to Follow a Script

The five stages of grief can offer words for some reactions, but they do not define the path healing must take. Grief changes as you adjust to the loss, and that adjustment may include setbacks, periods of steadiness, remembrance, new meaning, and moments of connection.

At Tri Lotus Psychotherapy, grief support is designed to be compassionate and tailored to your circumstances. To ask questions and explore whether a therapist feels like the right fit, you can book a free 20-minute introductory consultation for in-person support in Calgary or virtual therapy across Alberta.

This article provides general mental health information and is not a substitute for individualized assessment, diagnosis, medical care, or emergency support.

Land Acknowledgment: I gratefully acknowledge and honour that where I live, work and play is within the traditional territories of the people of the Treaty 7 region in Southern Alberta, which includes the Blackfoot Confederacy (comprising the Siksika, Piikani, and Kainai First Nations) as well as the Tsuut’ina First Nation, and the Stoney Nakoda (including the Chiniki, Bearspaw, and Wesley First Nations); and Métis Nation of Alberta, Region 3. The traditional Blackfoot name of this place is “Mohkinstsis”, which is also known now as Calgary.

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