10 Essential Conversations and Questions to Ask Before Getting Married or Moving In Together: Insights from a Registered Psychologist

Before embarking on the journey of marriage or cohabitation, it is essential to delve into each other's core values, beliefs, and life dreams. These foundational aspects significantly influence daily interactions and long-term compatibility. Therefore, engaging in open and honest conversations about your relationship, religious beliefs, life dreams, parenting styles (if applicable), moral values, and political views is vital to ensuring a harmonious relationship.

For this reason, below are 5 important topics to discuss with your partner prior to marriage or cohabitation, as well as 15 helpful questions to get you started.

5 Important Topics to Discuss with your Partner Prior to Marriage or Cohabitation

Examining your Relationship and Planning for Marriage

Take time to explore the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Use this as an opportunity to focus on trying to understand your partner, get to know them more, and make beneficial changes in your relationship.

1. When do you most feel heard or listened to? When do you feel least heard? What are you afraid to tell your partner? What do you both need in order to feel heard and emotionally safe to bring up tough conversations?

2. In what ways do you operate effectively as a team? What helps you to operate well as a team in these situations? In what ways could you improve or transfer these skills to other areas together?

3. How is this relationship different than those that have not worked out? What will you do if the marriage gets rocky?

Religion/Spirituality/Political Views

Religion and spirituality play a crucial role in many individuals' lives. Differences in religious beliefs can be a source of conflict if not addressed early. Thus, discussing whether you both envision a religious household, how you plan to celebrate religious holidays, or how you might raise children in terms of faith is essential for mutual understanding.

4. How do you view the role of religion/spirituality in our lives?

5. In what ways do your religious and/or political beliefs and practices, if any, differ from your partner's? How can you create a respectful environment for each other's viewpoints?

Parenting

First and foremost, discussing whether you want to have children is crucial, as this can typically be a dealbreaker in a relationship. If you've decided to have children, it is important to have discussions about how you want to raise them, what each of your roles will be etc.

6. What are your feelings about genetic testing, abortion, and birthing techniques? How would you feel if you knew a pregnancy would result in your child having physical or mental challenges?

7. What schedules or rules do you plan to have for the children? How do you feel about utilizing daycare, nannies etc.?

8. What beliefs and practices will you raise your children with?

Discussing Financial Expectations and Goals

Finances play a pivotal role in the stability and harmony of any relationship. It’s essential to have open and honest conversations about financial expectations and goals before getting married or moving in together. Often, discrepancies in financial habits and goals can lead to conflicts that may strain the relationship. Thus, discussing these aspects in advance can foster transparency and mutual agreement, laying a solid foundation for future financial harmony.

9. How much money do you want to set aside for retirement? What kind of lifestyle do you envision in retirement?

10. What are your main strategies for coping with difficult financial times?

11. Who will be primarily responsible for the finances? How will you separate finances? Or will they be joint?

If one person makes or spends more money than the other, what feelings does this bring up in you? What are your beliefs and feelings about debt?

Exploring Life Dreams

Taking the time to talk about each other's life dreams can give insight into whether they are aligned. Getting on the same page about what you'd like your life to look like can prevent conflicts and incompatibilities in the future.

12. Where do you want to live? City, country, house, apartment etc.?

13. For what reasons would you uproot yourself to a new place?

14. Describe how you envision your day-to-day life together. What meals do you plan to eat together? Apart? How will you negotiate chores? How much time will you spend together and apart? How often will you go on vacations?

15. What are two of your partner's deepest dreams, hopes, or aspirations?

By thoroughly understanding and respecting each other's values, beliefs, and dreams, couples can create a strong, compatible partnership built on mutual respect and shared principles. This foundational work is paramount in fostering a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Ultimately, having a shared vision for the future is crucial. Engaging in these discussions with an open mind and a willingness to compromise can help build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. It is through these essential conversations that couples can ensure their life goals are aligned, paving the way for a harmonious and fulfilling life together.

For extra support and guidance in having these conversations, Tri Lotus Psychotherapy offers premarital counselling. Ensure you're starting off your life together - marriage or not - by booking a complimentary 15 minute phone consultation to learn more.

Questions are courtesy of the Gottman Institute Card Deck, "52 Questions Before Marriage or Moving In."